Badges of (Dis)honour
by Paul Harrison
I've often thought of the club in many terms ... and one of the most common is as
the bunch of disorganised kids mucking about with ropes that I know them to be. That
would often cause me to think back to those far off days of being in another bunch
of disorganised kids mucking about with ropes. The Scouts. Ah yes, who can forget
those days of woggle polishing, trying out my sheep bend in the farmer's field,
and the pleasure and delight in receiving badges for certain skills, e.g.:
map-reading, knots, helping old ladies across the road, and that sort of thing. So,
I thought, how about something similar for us (so called) grown-ups. Something that
would motivate us all to become more complete, rounded climbers and individual members
of this wonderful fraternity that we call The Heights Climbing Club!
But there's a catch, of course. Because what sort of things do you think would
motivate us sad, sick and cynical bunch of no-hopers, reprobates and general climbing
bums? After some thought, here is what I came up with.
I present to you some badges for you to collect. There are some here for everyone. In
fact, some of you have already qualified for one or two several times over. Now
who can they be do you think? ...
| Rope Tying | Attained when you have demonstrated an ability to get out of tying the ropes up after the climb. Show your skill and slyness to get your partner to do it for you by either feigning tiredness, a pulled muscle or some other major illness which miraculously clears up when you see the rope has been tied neatly and packed away. |
| Tequila |
Develop an unhealthy predilection for the Mexican spirit! Drink it whenever you
can. There is always one in any climbing club. |
| Bunny Belay | Given when you have shown to the examiner that you have abandoned all hope of ever leading. Or when you have shown that you are too stupid to realise that everyone else has dumped you with the selfish bastard of the club. |
| Dropping Gear | Show the examiner that you are a clumsy eejit. Demonstrate you proven ability to lose a small fortune in any given season. Bonus for losing everyone else's gear. Double bonuses for nearly taken someone's eye out with a well placed hex. |
| Non-Climber | Show the examiner that you " talk the talk" but don't "walk the walk". Show your consistent desire to turn up at the climbing wall, stand about, try a few holds, chat a bit and "be one of the guys". Then, upon mention of the idea of venturing outside at the weekend suddenly, and out of the blue, conjure up a sick granny. Or some wall-papering. Or accidentally getting married. Or a dog to de-flea, etc ... |
| Leaving Kit behind | Prove to the examiner that you can
totally bugger up your trip by forgetting that essential piece of kit. Forget your sleeping bag on an overnight bivvy in the Cairngorms? Then this badge is for you. Get to the top of that route, feeling exhausted, and forgot your descender? Then this is for you too! |
| Sandbagger | Prove to the examiner your callous disregard for other's safety. You must show a wicked delight in ruining the sport of rock-climbing for your victim! Broken limbs give extra merit! |
| Epic | If you've got the Mountain Rescue on speed dial on your mobile and you expect to use it when out on a 200ft Diff, then you've earned the right to wear this badge. Also, if you take your head torch (with spare batteries) on a "short" Severe on Tryfan in the middle of summer, and you are starting at dawn ... then you've probably already got one. |
| Tight Arse | Can you time your arrival at the pub
exactly so you miss the first round? Still think ropes cost in the region of £20?
Suddenly find you've run out of change as you approach the toll on the Severn Bridge
on your way to the Wye Valley? Still using Moacs? Prefer to hitch to Scotland? Still
planning on using your EBs for another year at least? Is your gear still shiny
because you don't want to use it? Need I go on? |
| Off Router | "Behind the big tree is a wide
left-facing corner. Go up this to the huge slab and follow the obvious crack to the
roof. Surmount the roof and continue up the arete to finish. Belay on big
oak". If this sort of route description confounds and confuses you to such a degree that your climbing partners have begun to despair of you getting to the top of any route, then this badge is just for you. |
| Lech | Show the examiner your unerring ability to pick up on any double-entendres in any climbing conversation. " Crack", "Jug", "Flexible Friend", etc ...If these words provide you with a wealth of opportunity to display your smutty, lecherous wit to all those present, then this badge is yours. Bonus points for just being male! |
I'm sure you can think of a load more ... Dib, Dib, Dob!