A Beginner's Guide to Club Rules
by Ian Grimshaw
With the number of new club members ever growing, the club committee has decided
that it's time to put into print some of the "unwritten" rules for beginners.
Read and learn them. Ignore them at your peril.
| 1 | DON'T PROGRESS TOO FAST. AND DON'T CLIMB BETTER THAN THE REGULARS. OR NOONE WILL TALK TO YOU. |
| 2 | IF YOU ARE A FEMALE, TRY TO CLIMB WEARING AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. |
| 3 | ALWAYS BE IMPRESSED BY THE LONGER SERVING CLUB MEMBERS, EVEN IF THEY ARE JUST SITTING ON THE BLUE MATS. |
| 4 |
STAND CLEAR WHEN PAUL STARTS HIS WARM-UP. TRY TO STIFLE YOUR LAUGHTER. PROBABLY THE BEST TIME TO GO FOR A DRINK. |
| 5 | DON'T WORRY IF IAN OGLES YOU. YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR HIM. |
| 6 |
WHEN STEVE GIVES YOU ADVICE, PRETEND YOU'VE UNDERSTAND WHAT HE'S SAID - THAT'S WHAT THE REST OF US DO. |
| 7 | NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! TRY TO GIVE ANNA ADVICE! ARE YOU TIRED OF LIVING? |
| 8 | IF INVITED DOWN TO THE PUB, BUY AT LEAST 3 ROUNDS. IF YOU ARE UNDER 14 AND CAN'T COME INTO THE PUB, BE CONTENT IN THE GARDEN, WHILE WE DRINK YOUR POCKET MONEY. |
| 9 |
IF INVITED ON A WEEKEND AWAY, MAKE SURE YOU CAN HOLD THE ROPES WELL. LEADERS IN THE CLUB FIND THIS THEIR MOST IMPRESSIVE ARENA, WHERE BEGINNERS CAN "OOH" AND "AAH" AT THEM LEADING A DIFF. PRACTICE THESE NOISES AT HOME. |
| 10 | ALWAYS LAUGH AT LAME, SEXIST, DISGUSTING JOKES. WE LIKE THEM. |